


our feelings are peculiar (like the flow of electricity)

by nemoterry



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Choi Soobin Is Bad At Feelings, Fluffy, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:22:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23948356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nemoterry/pseuds/nemoterry
Summary: Kai is more than a ‘maybe’ or ‘later.’ He’s more than an after thought — he’s more than a pity kiss. And Soobin’s a coward who kept his feelings bottled up for too long.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 11
Kudos: 59





	our feelings are peculiar (like the flow of electricity)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [idoesntshine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idoesntshine/gifts).



> inspired by sunshine and her rant about kai’s sad smile....and soobin gay.

Hueningkai is _right_ there. Mere inches — no, centimeters away. He’s tucked under Soobin’s arm, uninterested gaze on his phone, lazy eyes almost closed and ready to call it quits for the night. It’s not Kai’s room, and it’s not Soobin’s bed, but Beomgyu doesn’t say anything as he climbs onto the top bunk to rest on Soobin’s bed. He’s too used to this scenario.

Huening Kai is _right_ there, but why does he feel so far, just out of Soobin’s reach? Even when Soobin knows Kai wants him too? But those feelings were confessed months ago when they were in America for their showcases and they were quickly dismissed with a kiss to the forehead and a ‘maybe later.’ Past Soobin thought it was the best option, present Soobin believes he made the worst mistake of his life.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” Kai mumbles, lazy and thick with sleep, as he plucks his airpods out his ears and places them on Beomgyu’s bedside table. Kai’s watch, wallet, school notebook, and even his ear-less Molang was there, making Soobin wonder if that was even Beomgyu’s bedside table anymore.

Soobin focuses his eyes on Kai, not bothering to bring out a reaction for his lame joke. Kai seems to be a step ahead of him, because he doesn’t speak further, and instead turns to bury his head in the crook of Soobin’s neck, taking in a deep inhale. Taking in Soobin’s scent. Soobin’s hand falls to Kai’s hair, ruffling it, before threading his fingers through Kai’s hair, using his knuckles to massage Kai’s scalp.

Kai’s hair is curly and gets tangled often, but that’s just another one of the things Soobin loves about him. He misses Kai’s long hair, misses when the younger would let him braid it, and brush it out. He missed the small pony tail which Kai would make at the back when he got so fed up with it — though it usually wouldn’t last more than ten minutes. But he likes this too, when Kai’s hair is short and easy to caress, when the stylists care just a little less if it looks messy. Soobin appreciates this because he really can’t help himself from reaching up to play with the soft locks.

He’s almost sure Kai had fallen asleep with the help of Soobin’s warmth and touch, so he’s surprised when Kai takes his head out of Soobin’s chest to instead look up at him, his eyes still drowsy and filled with tired tears. It’s instinct the way Soobin cups Kai’s cheek with one of his hands, which makes the boy’s small face look so much smaller. He uses his thumb to wipe the tears away, and he feels his heart flutter when he sees Kai lean into his touch. “Hyung,” the boy whispers after a while, looking more awake. Soobin lets out a hum in response, wondering what the younger has to say.

“Are you okay?” Kai asks, pout and all, eyebrows coming to crease together and looking more awake. Soobin puts on a small smile, removing his hands from Kai’s cheek to instead rest on his small, firm waist. “Of course I’m okay.” Soobin says, because it’s the truth. He’s alright. He’s happy. Kai doesn’t seem to buy it, but his face untenses.

“If you’ve got something on your mind,” Kai says, removing Soobin’s arms off his waist and shoulder, only to scoop the older into his arms — “Then you can tell me. C’mon, let’s have a counseling session with Ning.” And Kai puts on one of his tired, lazy smiles, which make his eyes close almost completely. If Soobin was feeling alright before, he’s feeling great now. Soobin lets out a small chuckle, allowing himself to cuddle deeper into Kai’s hold, tucking his head under Kai’s chin, just a bit so he can still look up to meet his gaze. They’re close now, extremely so, but Kai’s still not close enough. It’s not enough.

“I’m fine, Hyuka. For real. Just...thinking.” he relents, knowing he can’t hide the truth from Kai. The younger knows him inside and out, he knows every little bit of Kai, he’s all Soobin needed back then during trainee days. Now, Soobin has Yeonjun and Beomgyu and Taehyun — and they’re amazing people and friends too, but he’s fine with just Kai. He’s doing great with just his Ningning. And it’s a scary thought, really, but recently, his Ningning has not been enough. He loves him, and he wants him more than anything — and that’s the problem.

He wants him so much, it’s overstepped any boundaries he had built ever since that day in May. And Soobin’s stupid, so so stupid. Kai is never an afterthought, and he never was one. He didn’t deserve a ‘Maybe later.’ Kai does not deserve a maybe, nor a later, nor a pity forehead kiss. He wonders if Kai still has those feelings, or if he’s moved on, unlike Soobin. Soobin suddenly isn’t feeling as great as before anymore. It’s funny how feelings change so quickly. It’s selfish, but he hopes Kai’s didn’t.

“Thoughts aren’t always good, Binnie. And _clearly_ your current ones _aren’t_.” Kai pouts again, soft and cute, and he’s reaching to hold onto Soobin’s hand, giving a soft squeeze. He’s trying to be angry, or at least look the part, but his eyes are shaky and concerned. “Talk to Hyuka, _please_ hyung. I want to know what’s wrong with you.” The younger says, and he’s so genuine that it’s doing a few things to Soobin’s heart. Kai is wide awake, which is unfortunate for the older since he feels his hands start to prickle with sweat.

Soobin looks over Kai’s shoulder, looking past him, because he’s a coward. And Kai is so bold. He was brave enough to say that he likes Soobin, more than a brother would like a brother, or a friend would like a friend. He was bold enough to say that he wants to be with Soobin, wants Soobin to be his. And it’s Soobin who was the coward, who said no because he was too scared for the future. Who couldn’t even angle his lips to Kai’s, at least just once, because that may have been the only time he’d been given that opportunity.

“Kai, it’s not serious,” he manages to say, before looking back over at Kai, who looks even more concerned. Maybe it is a little serious, and maybe it is granting Soobin mixed feelings of sorrow and happiness — but that’s okay. All sorrow is welcomed when it comes to Kai. “I’m fine, really. I just—”

“Tell me what’s wrong, Soobin.” And now Kai looks determined, and he gives Soobin’s hand another squeeze. Soobin can’t even find it in himself to scold the younger for lack of honorifics. His throat has gone dry, and he feels ashamed of himself, as if he was caught for doing some crime. He inhales softly, and decides, maybe it’s time to stop being a coward.

“Remember a couple months ago?” he starts and he stops both at once, but Kai was apparently not having it. He nods eagerly and responsively, his hand intertwined with Soobin moving to rest on his waist, pulling the older in closer. And now they’re not even twenty centimeters apart, and Soobin’s breath is mingling with Kai’s minty one. It’s dark, but his eyes have come accustomed to Kai, enough to pinpoint where all of his pretty moles are — and Soobin, he just wants to reach out and kiss them. So he begins again, because maybe there’s a chance that will happen.

“You said that — that you liked me, right?” Soobin can see the way Kai tenses, and his eyes grow a little wide, and Soobin is unsure if that’s the face of someone who’s about to reject you or not. “You said that you wanted to be my boyfriend, right? And — and I was —” But Kai doesn’t listen, and he instead reaches up to place a finger on Soobin’s lips. Soobin feels his heart break a little. Right, so Kai doesn’t like him like that anymore? “It’s okay hyung. I — I didn’t know that that would change things between us. I’m really sorry for… doing that.” And sometimes, Kai’s smiles were Soobin’s least favorite things. It’s obvious that he’s hurt, but there’s a thin smile on his face. There are no tears in his eyes, but he’s giving Soobin those sad eyes he hates to see. And just like that, Kai is distant, and he can’t reach out. They’re less than twenty centimeters apart, but why is he so far away?

Kai dismisses any and all thoughts Soobin had left to voice, and Soobin decides, he’s really, really stupid for giving out a ‘maybe later.’


End file.
